Self confidence is one of the many things I have been thinking a whole lot about recently. It's something that I had a lot of when I was younger, but as the years went I started losing more of it. Confidence is like that friend that's there for you one day, but the next day they won't text you back. It's something that is ever changing inside your brain. Like it can't decide whether you deserve it or not. Well let me tell you; you do.
As I said, at a younger age I had quite a bit of self confidence. It wasn't until 5th grade when a "friend" made comments about my appearance behind my back, that I started to question my self worth. At that point I kind of just brushed it off, she was just a bully who felt bad about herself enough to make me feel worse.
In 6th grade I got into fashion (If you could call it that.) I was really into my sequins and pink, rocking bright colors like nobody's business. It was this year that it had really sunk in that my dad had died, and wasn't coming back. I was so caught up in grieving, that I didn't really have time to think of myself.
7th grade came around, and my "sense" of "fashion" had died down quite a bit. I paid more attention to the way clothes fit me. The way my stomach stuck out when I wore certain shirts or the way my pants wouldn't button. I often got so frustrated while dressing, that I would hit myself. I would slap my stomach, or my thighs, and I would cry, half naked on my bed.
By the second half of 8th grade, I hated my body. I thought about becoming anorexic, or bulimic. I hit my bare skin where my clothes wouldn't fit, and I'd pray that my chub would disappear. I hid this from the people around me, I didn't tell anyone that I wanted to stop eating, and I didn't tell myself that I didn't want to live.
At the beginning of 9th grade, I realized I was depressed. I started homeschooling, and started gaining weight. I didn't gain much, but I gained enough for me to hate myself even more. I tried exercising, but it would end in crying. I tried eating well, but it ended in chocolate. I eventually gave up on myself, and let myself be miserable.
Over the summer of 2014, I decided that I needed to love myself again. I contacted my P.E. teacher from 8th grade, whom I knew was a personal trainer. I asked her to take me under her wing, and help me feel good again. Since then I have been meeting with her (almost) every week, and have been slowly, but surely slimming down.
In October (2014) I cut my hair shorter than it's ever been, and suddenly felt a burst of overflowing confidence. I have more so embraced my style, and my body and have had a new found appreciation for my curves. But, as my outer self confidence has skyrocketed, my confidence in my personality has dropped.
When I hated my body, I knew that my personality made up for what was lacking. I knew that I was a good person, and that people liked me because I'm genuinely nice. But once I started to like my body again, my mental state kind of wandered. I find myself thinking I'm too annoying. Thinking that my social anxiety will cause me to never make new friends, who appreciate me. I worry that my logical brain will hold me back from really finding myself, and finding what makes me happy. But every day I encourage myself to be grateful to the wonderful person that I am. I push to love myself, no matter how much I hate everything about myself.
TL;DR: Love yourself, even if you can't fully love yourself yet, work towards it. Accomplish little things for yourself every day. Look in the mirror naked, and point out everything you love. Make a long lists of activities that make you happy, and do one of those things every day. Because you REALLY deserve it, I promise.
I wish you told me or someone. I don't underrstand why people feel like they need to be 'skinny' for appearances. Because you know k am, and all I get is how skinny I am, and how ugly it is. How I should eat more. Even when people are 'skinny' they get laughed at, teased, called names, but we can't do anything about it. I've tried everything to get more weight on, but I never could, and all those girls who try losing weight, I wish I could be in their spot and just switch. But over time I've learned it doesn't matter if you're fat, skinny, in between, etc as long as you're heealthy, that's all that matters. Trust me, weighing less isn't going to change anything. People will still find a way to bring you down. So just block them out and know that you're beautiful no matter what race, size, disorder you are / have. You're perfect as long as you're healthy. As long as live you're life everyday will full potential, that's all that matters in life. Because hey, we're only here once, make the most out of it. 😘
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I still struggle with little things, but in the long run I am MUCH more confident than I use to be.
ReplyDeleteYou are so gorgeous, and don't need to change anything. Like you said, as long as you're healthy, and happy, that's all that matters. It's never good to change for anyone but yourself.