2015, A Year Of Change.

     Let's make 2015 the year we didn't forget. The year where we recognize the social imbalance, and injustice, and we adress it.The year America got their sh*t together. The year people weren't discriminated for their race, sexuality, gender, or mental disability. The year we, as the human race, learned to love one another. A year of change. Let's not let the dying continue. Let us move foward, but never forget the past. Let this be a turning point for human kind. 2015.

Self Confidence: A Lacking Of

     Self confidence is one of the many things I have been thinking a whole lot about recently. It's something that I had a lot of when I was younger, but as the years went I started losing more of it. Confidence is like that friend that's there for you one day, but the next day they won't text you back. It's something that is ever changing inside your brain. Like it can't decide whether you deserve it or not. Well let me tell you; you do.
   
     As I said, at a younger age I had quite a bit of self confidence. It wasn't until 5th grade when a "friend" made comments about my appearance behind my back, that I started to question my self worth. At that point I kind of just brushed it off, she was just a bully who felt bad about herself enough to make me feel worse.
     In 6th grade I got into fashion (If you could call it that.) I was really into my sequins and pink, rocking bright colors like nobody's business. It was this year that it had really sunk in that my dad had died, and wasn't coming back. I was so caught up in grieving, that I didn't really have time to think of myself.
     7th grade came around, and my "sense" of  "fashion" had died down quite a bit. I paid more attention to the way clothes fit me. The way my stomach stuck out when I wore certain shirts or the way my pants wouldn't button. I often got so frustrated while dressing, that I would hit myself. I would slap my stomach, or my thighs, and I would cry, half naked on my bed.
     By the second half of 8th grade, I hated my body. I thought about becoming anorexic, or bulimic. I hit my bare skin where my clothes wouldn't fit, and I'd pray that my chub would disappear. I hid this from the people around me, I didn't tell anyone that I wanted to stop eating, and I didn't tell myself that I didn't want to live.
     At the beginning of 9th grade, I realized I was depressed. I started homeschooling, and started gaining weight. I didn't gain much, but I gained enough for me to hate myself even more. I tried exercising, but it would end in crying. I tried eating well, but it ended in chocolate. I eventually gave up on myself, and let myself be miserable.
     Over the summer of 2014, I decided that I needed to love myself again. I contacted my P.E. teacher from 8th grade, whom I knew was a personal trainer. I asked her to take me under her wing, and help me feel good again. Since then I have been meeting with her (almost) every week, and have been slowly, but surely slimming down.
     In October (2014) I cut my hair shorter than it's ever been, and suddenly felt a burst of overflowing confidence. I have more so embraced my style, and my body and have had a new found appreciation for my curves. But, as my outer self confidence has skyrocketed, my confidence in my personality has dropped.

     When I hated my body, I knew that my personality made up for what was lacking. I knew that I was a good person, and that people liked me because I'm genuinely nice. But once I started to like my body again, my mental state kind of wandered. I find myself thinking I'm too annoying. Thinking that my social anxiety will cause me to never make new friends, who appreciate me. I worry that my logical brain will hold me back from really finding myself, and finding what makes me happy. But every day I encourage myself to be grateful to the wonderful person that I am. I push to love myself, no matter how much I hate everything about myself.

     TL;DR: Love yourself, even if you can't fully love yourself yet, work towards it. Accomplish little things for yourself every day. Look in the mirror naked, and point out everything you love. Make a long lists of activities that make you happy, and do one of those things every day. Because you REALLY deserve it, I promise. 
   

The Present, Dreams, and Judgement

     I've always been told to live in the moment. To take every day one step at a time. I get told this almost everyday, yet I still find myself spending most of my time daydreaming about the future.
     If I'm not eating, or doing schoolwork,  or having a conversation with someone, chances are I'm daydreaming about my future. But to me, the weirdest thing is that I daydream about different futures depending on my mood. Sometimes I'm a couple years older and in a relationship, or sometimes I'm in my thirties with kids. All of these stories of how my life could turn out.
     I often think about things I want to do in my life. The people I want to be around, the goals I want to accomplish, and the general over my head dreams that I have. And almost all of my daydreams are plausible (except maybe becoming a kpop star, but hey ya never know.) I could be a writer, or a singer, or an actress, or even a psychologist, if I really put all of my effort into it, really anything is possible. But I think what's scary are the steps leading up to those dreams and goals.
     What's scary for me, is putting myself out there, while also trying to balance high school, and some sort of a social life. As much as this blog is enjoyable for me, I often feel like it's going nowhere. But I know that I can't give up no matter how little the number of page views is. And I think the scariest thing (for me at least) is judgement and rejection from those close to me. I would love to upload videos, of me being funny, or ranting, or singing, but I get so scared of what one or two people will say. But it's important to let yourself be heard.

     This post was kind of a mess, but thank you for sticking through it.

todays words if wisdom from my brain:

The present may be boring, but it's the stepping stone to the future. If you practice your craft today, you'll be that much better tomorrow.

Pulling it Together....

     Sorry guys, I've really been livin' it up watching Korean reality TV and stuff.... Really busy with important meetings in the kitchen with Mr. Grape and Mrs. Ice Cream.
      In other words, I have no excuse for my absence. I've kinda just been writing in my head, coming up with characters, becoming characters. But have no fear I'M PULLING MY ISH TOGETHER!

     As you may or may not know I've always been insecure about the way my body looks, so starting tomorrow I'll be one on one "training" three times a week with a close friend. This was a very hard decision for me to make, and I would like to encourage you to do things you're afraid, or nervous to do as well.

     Once I start exercising again, I'm going to push to get on my creative track and really write as much as I possibly can! Please expect more rants and stuff, as I've said a million times I have no clue what this blog will turn into, so maybe I'll post some other things as well.

     Thanks to anyone who actually reads and enjoys my blog. As lame as it sounds, it really puts a smile on my face to see the page views go up. <3

We Are Scared

    * This blog post isn't really a response to the Santa Barbara shooting, but more of a response to a response. *

      THIS POST CONTAINS CRUDE LANGUAGE

     I was strolling along tumblr one evening (as I often do) when I came across a screenshot of some comments that were left on Elliot Rodger's threat video. Here are what comments said:

"Well girls keep that in mind the next time you friendzone somebody."

"See girls this is what you get for treating nice guys like sh*t."

"I don;t blame guns. I blame blondes for this one."

"I hope you women see this and stop being so stuck up and give that one kid some p*ssy who never gets sh*t and you might save a life smdfh this n*gga could've saved his life if only one of you dumb c*nts could give him some sweetness." (I almost threw up when I read that one)

"What a boss, but he should e more smart by being a serial killer, raping and killing girls is way more smart and torture them until martyr state." 

     You know what a tumblr user had to say to that?

"I am scared to be a woman and that is not okay."

     And I completely agree. I find myself walking down the streets of my fairly safe town, plotting what to do if someone were to attack me. Every time I see a van drive by I keep eyeing it to make sure it doesn't slow down near me. I am scared for my life because I am a teenage girl, and that, is not okay.

     I don't really have a point to this, I'm just angry, and confused, and a little scared. Let's just treat each other well okay? No one exists for your enjoyment, remember that.

Where I Come From

     *Here is a poem I had to do for school*

Where I come from, originally, is cold.

The warmest it gets,

Is when the mosquitoes and “no-see-ems” come out in the humid summers.

The autumns, fill the trees with leaves that people all around the world come to see.

The winter, is frigid, harsh,

It covers the ground in snow.

But the spring, Is beautiful.

Lush green all around,

Children running without any shoes, socks or cares.

Where I come from, is what I consider my home.

The rolling hills and tall redwoods.

Vineyards upon vineyards of grapes for wine.

Everywhere you turn, there’s an apple orchard,

With beautiful blossoms in the spring,

And fresh, ripe apples in the fall.

But these things don’t matter.

Because where I come from, is unity.

When I go back to where I come from people say,

“Oh I remember when you were only just born”

A place where people are connected,

Where everyone cares, so you can never say no one does.

I come from music.

Staring at my fathers hands as they danced along the keys of the piano,

That is of course until I got bored and continued to dance along.

I remember staying up late

Just to watch my sister sing,

Her angelic voice filling the living room,

While my other sister strummed along and sang the harmonies.

When I was finally old enough to sing along,

My siblings and I would pull together our two guitars,

All of us singing in one voice, as my mother sang the high harmony.

But before all of this peaceful singing,

I come from pain.

For when the loss of the man with magic piano hands came around,

We sang only because we hurt.

But we didn’t let it pull us down too far.

We stood tall together,

A force far beyond nature, far beyond any man made weapons.

We stood together, holding hands,

Never letting go, because

I come from love.

A safe place where unity is priority.

Where we don’t judge people for what they believe,

The color of their skin,

Or the people they love.

And I wouldn't want to come from anywhere else.

"What girls look for in guys"

     One of my favorite youtubers uploaded a video called "What girls look for in guys". I clicked on this video, knowing that this youtuber is an amazing person and wouldn't want to offend anyone. She clearly states that this is her opinion, but she thinks in general a lot of girls feel that way. All of the things she said were purely personality based and had nothing to do with physical appearance. The problem here was not the video though, the problem is buried in the comment section.
     With this being such a controversial topic, I was quite curious to see what other people thought. Instead of seeing comments saying how much her fans loved her, or arguments about how she doesn't agree with feminism (she just doesn't really know what it is), I saw rude and crude comments.

     "F*CK ME!"
     "This video should be renamed 'What Kate looks for in guys'"
     Along with many many more awful and hateful comments.

     WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK PEOPLE.
Does anyone REALLY think these things are okay to say? Please educate me on how ANYONE can be satisfied leaving any hate comments.

     Now that that's out of the way.... On to the topic at hand.
   
     Girls are all different. We all have different expectations, and "preferences". Chances are, if you are watching a video with that title, you probably shouldn't be worried about your relationship status. Yes, this is coming from a teenage girl, YOU DON'T NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU ARE. It seems like that's everyone's goal these days. But it seriously is not a priority. And if you are convinced that this person is the person of your dreams, just be yourself. I know, I know, that's what everyone says, but seriously. If they don't like you for who you are, their loss.....

POINT: Be nice to people, be considerate of everyone, and be yourself.

Writers Block. :(

    Well, here I am, under my covers; chamomile tea in hand, listening to music (which doesn't quite fit the mood). This is my third try writing this post. The first two were pretty serious subjects, but apparently my brain is dead. I've tried writing my paper for school, writing a story, I have an awful case of writers block. So, for this post, I'll give you a list of different ways to get rid of writers block.....

 -Start in the Middle.
 -Read Other Things.
 -Take a Short Break.
 -Talk to Someone About your Subject, from that you might find sentences you like.
 -Write Non-Stop without checking what you wrote.
 -Try Writing in a Different Room.
 -Get Inspiration From Things Around You.

     That's all I found, well, all that seemed actually useful.... I dunno, Google it XD.

     I make posts every week (kinda) so if you have a blogger account, or Google+ please follow if you enjoyed ^_^ hopefully next week my brain will be on again!

Judgement and Hate

     Firstly, I'd like to say that I am ever so sorry for not blogging nearly as consistently as I set out to. Recently moved, and school is drowning my writing creativity :P Enough excuses....

     Half way through this school year, I started at a new school. I only go to class twice a week, but when I do I'm hanging out with high school students, teenagers, human beings (I know crazy right). When I first came to the school I kinda shut everyone out, just until I got comfortable; but once I did I noticed something strange.
     Negativity. Everywhere. I know I know "Rane they're teenagers, like you, but full of angst and rebellion", but I never thought teenagers to be like that, even before I was one. Teenagers are weird, some of us think we're invisible, and can take on the world, and others think of ourselves as the epitome of awful. I realized that there are both of those kinds of people in my classes, and some people who are in between. But one pattern I learned is that everyone has an opinion ("no duh Rane, everyone has opinions"), but get this, they all have at least one negative opinion. They all have something they are very much against.
     A couple weeks ago, we had a dispute on gay marriage in English. We were comparing gay marriage rights to the Salem Witch Trials, and stumbled upon a dispute about raising children with two same sex parents and such, and I was surprised at how much homophobia and judgement was in that conversation (If you want I could make a blog post about that entire thing). Something to take into consideration, is that those may be the opinions of their parents speaking, those opinions were taught to them at a young age and they grew up thinking they're right. The conversation escalated quickly, and I was fighting back every urge to storm out of that classroom, but I realized that to make it stop I just had to shut up.
     Today, in art, I was talking with a boy and girl from my class about religion and beliefs and opinions on certain things, and what not. When it was brought up that the boy didn't like people of a certain religion (for the privacy of this person I won't reveal any names or the religion). When I heard this information, I was shocked. I asked him why and after a bit of conversation, he came to the conclusion that most of the people he hates, are of that religion. In all honesty I thought that was ridiculous (I didn't say that of course), it almost seemed silly. So I said "well you don't like mean people, the religion has nothing to do with it". He replied with "No, but..." and went on with an argument that didn't make sense to me, I kept cutting in, trying to get him to understand that what he was saying didn't give a good enough reason to hate everyone from a certain religion. But finally I just said "Never mind I'm not even gonna try" and I shut my pie hole.
     I got a bit side tracked from my main topic (that tends to happen when I write at 11:30 at night) but my point, is that you can't change someone else's opinion. In the end, pretty much everyone thinks that they're right. And since it does no good to keep trying to persuade your opinion to someone, it wont' work; so what do we do? Stop loud mouthing your opinions for everyone to hear (harsh, but true). If someone doesn't specifically ask you your opinion, don't give it. You never know who you're going to offend, or how it could affect someone.

     I hope this all made sense, just something I wanted to throw together before bed.

Negativity Needs to Stop

     As a person who is on the computer for far too many hours every day, I see a lot of negativity on the internet. My parents raised me to look on the positive side of situations, and understand that negative things happen, and that I can't let that get to me. I was taught that people will say negative things, and give negative opinions, but at this age in time, it's gone too far, and it needs to stop.
     I spend a lot of time on Facebook, (as many girls my age do) and I see many opinions, from something as silly as Miley Cyrus, to something as huge as rape. I used to only see the silly things, things like "Jelena back together?" or "No one ships Haylor!". Now, as I get older (I say this like I'm a sage, when I say get older I mean like six months older) I realize that there are such bigger issues. Issues like "So and so was murdered today..." and "Millions died on sight of a gas leak..." and I am SO done with reading things like that. I scroll down my Facebook feed and read a funny screen cap from tumblr and laugh and then scroll down to see ANOTHER post about how awful republicans are or about mean white men who are against abortion, and my smile turns slowly into a frown. A long while back, I had to stop watching the news, because it made me depressed, all I heard about were fires and murders and missing children. I never heard one news story about the man who saved someone from killing themselves, I never heard about the amazing organization that is the Trevor Project. I started to become a negative person, and I didn't like it at all.
     Here me out on this, I consider myself a feminist, I support homosexuality/bisexuality/pan-sexuality etc. I talk about it when I feel passionate about it, and when I feel it's necessary to educate people that feminists don't hate men. But I don't go around on social media clouding peoples minds with this nonsense that they don't understand. How about instead of sitting here in our houses, shoving information down people throats like we're the education system, we get out there and LOVE EVERYONE. Because everyone is worth it. If you go out bashing Christians, and Cisgendered (I don't think I said that right) people, you are merely sinking to the level of people who you are trying to "fight". Instead of "fighting" let's get off our lazy butt's and change the world with a fresh state of mind.
     I try and go into any argument or situation thinking "We both think we're right, I know what I believe is true, I don't think I'm any better than them and that is what's important" because really, no one is higher or more important than another, (as hippie dippie as this all sounds) we are all equal. I'm not a "commie" or whatever, humans are humans and should all be treated like living things. I hope this changes at least a couple of perspectives... Let's all just try and make people a bit happier.

A Quick Hello

Hello!
     I'm Rane :) this is my first legitimate blog, so bear with me while it undergoes changes as I learn more about Blogger. Hopefully, this blog will get better with time and won't be a total train wreck... With that said, this blog will consist of whatever is on my mind; whether it's rants or things that I'm passionate about or maybe even recipes. I hope you enjoy this blog, if you have any constructive criticism I'm open to enhancing my blogging skills. Enjoy!